I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
