Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
