I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
