You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
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im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So apparently I’m into choking now
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