I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
