i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
