I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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