Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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