i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
We need to rekindle our bromance
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
