when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
