The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
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