Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
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On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize