I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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