just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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