I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
