There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
