mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
