now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
