she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
