blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
