Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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