In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
