I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
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also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
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2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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