I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
