Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
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you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
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Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
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