Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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