You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize