just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
