there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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