There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
