We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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