I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
