My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize