So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
