the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
