So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
