6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
