Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
