I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
