My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
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I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
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You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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