No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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