Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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