you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
