omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
