i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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