you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
