After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
