i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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