I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
