I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
