So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
