She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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