Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
