It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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