he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
