i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
