in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize