So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
