There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
