whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He felt like a one man threesome
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
